So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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