I seem to have left my pride at pride
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
