you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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