Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm bleeding and have questions
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
