Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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