you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
