i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
