Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
the liver wants what the liver wants
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
