I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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