I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I love you. Go after that dick
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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