Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
