if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
