got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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