Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
