this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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