I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
