Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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