Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
