Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
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I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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