Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
