somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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