Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
