Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
