Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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