imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
