im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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