Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The ass gains better be worth it
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