It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
