I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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