I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
