mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
