I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
