remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
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I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
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I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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