I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i believe in u and ur pee
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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