We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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