if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
