The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
