Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
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Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
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My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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