Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
