Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
