Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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