First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
