woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
