Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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