He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
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I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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