For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Randomize
