alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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