it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
