Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
