the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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