I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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