Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
