No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
